I miss you. There, I said it. I want you. I want us. I want you to give us our second chance. I want you to know what’s going on inside my head. That I want you to know I still have feeling for you. That I’m still right here, waiting for you. And I still think that some time, in the future, we would end up together. Because every where I go, that’s where you are. Every where I went, you caught up with me. Whenever I convince myself that you’re just some previous chapter in my life, a high school story, there you are once again, shaking my belief and standing there, like giving me a chance.
The worst thing is, no matter how badly you’ve treated me, how many times I’ve cried over you, I will instantly forgive you the second you smile at me. It’s like you can do no wrong. You’re perfect in my eyes. And I really hope someday you’d see me that way, perfect for you.
Your voice. After months not hearing your voice, hearing it again sent chills down my spine. When you said hello, over the phone, I instantly pictured your face in my mind. I feel like you’re beside me, like there’s nothing between us and it just feels normal. Like everything is falling into the right place. Like, I feel complete now. Your call made my day. I didn’t care what happened for the rest of the day, all I care was you already called. That you didn’t forget my birthday.
Even your whines. I love when you whine about little things. I find it cute. Even when you whine about the weather, or those silly little things. I just want to smile and see your face, and hug you. Yes, you. Turned out you still have a huge impact on my life. Turned out, after all these years, you still hold a special place in my heart.
And I just realized it now, that all this time I was just fooling myself believing I’m over you. I just forgot that you still hold the key to my heart, that you’ve been there all along. Dear, I never left. Even when I seem to have forgotten what we had, deep down in my heart I still remember every single word you said. I still feel every single touch. Every single kiss. Every single lame joke you made but I laughed anyway because in the end, it turned out to be funny. Every single memory we’ve made, the way you made me feel like the happiest girl in the world. I would give up every thing to get back to that moment. Or to make new memories with you. I want you.
Hey there. I miss you. Not like, I miss you in a romantic way, but I miss you and your ability to make me laugh and forget all the problems that I have. It’s easy being around you. With you, I can be myself, and what’s more important than that? Yeah, except that you’re only around when your number one girl isn’t available. I guess that sounds jerky for every one who hears it, but I kinda adapted with the situation and I guess I began to tolerate that you’ll only go back to me when there’s no one else left. The foolish part is, I always accept that and wait for you with my arms wide open. I know everybody keep telling me that it’s wrong, that I’m settling down, that you’re not good enough and I don’t deserve to be treated that way, but hey, they don’t feel the way I feel when I’m with you. I mean, four years passed, I’ve traded my flats to six-inches heels, I’ve traded my childish shirts to dresses, I managed to excel on all my subjects on college to make you proud having me, I’ve even dropped 36 pounds for you. Well, that one, isn’t only just for you, but you know, I am TRYING to make myself better so that I can be with you. Like I said, I always thought I am the one that not good enough for you. So I keep working on myself to be someone that I think you’d be proud of when you’re taking me to dinner, when you’re taking me to meet your family, to attend family events, and all.
But then again, all those works I’ve done apparently couldn’t change what your heart wants, right? I just want to make you proud of me and not seeing me as this lame, begging-for-your-heart girl I used to be in high school. I want you to look at me as a grown up young lady, ready to take the second chance just for both of us this time, and I want you to look at me and I could see the pride in your eyes for having me. Well, I guess, you just can’t have it all, right? The bright side, though, you are truly a great motivation for me to work on myself. But then I begin to wonder, if you’ll never get back to me, then what am I doing pushing myself so hard trying to be better? I know that’s a good thing, fixing on myself every time, but sometimes, when I’m awake at night I have this horrible thought that I’m just wasting my time wishing on something that won’t come true and I should move on with my life and leave the possibilities behind, leaving you behind and begin a new chapter of my life without you. But then, what if when I finally leave you, you’d realize that this is all wrong and that you belong with me all this time and when you come back, I’m not there? I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do.
Just when I felt like giving up on us, you turned around, and gave me one last touch, that made everything feel better, and even then my eyes got wetter, and so confused, wanna ask you if you love me, but I don’t wanna seem so weak, maybe I’ve been California dreaming……
I should have known from the very start. I will never, ever be the speed dial on your phone. I will never be the only one in your heart. There’s always gonna be her first, and if she’s not available, you’re gonna go find me. I can’t believe that after all this time, I thought we could actually act our age and be different. But no. You’re still the same heart breaker like you were, still managed to make me helplessly fall for you yet behind me you’re still that guy who tell every little details to her. I hate myself for letting my guard down around you, for fantasizing that this time would be totally different. I can’t believe after all the efforts, all the suffering, all the tears and all the pain, I’d go back right where I started—-standing here alone, seeing you go off with her, questioning myself what the hell is wrong with me and what can I fix from myself so that later you’ll consider yourself to be with me?
I am so stupid that I actually thought this time would be different. That this time, there’s no her between us, just both of us. That’s a selfish wish, and kinda naive, but I can’t help myself hoping for that situation. I am mad. I am angry with myself. Why did I not follow my common sense back then? Why did I have to throw all my rational thoughts away and let my heart led me on? And now I feel like nothing’s changing since high school. I’m still that insecure girl, with bigger insecurity now, wondering myself if I’m ever gonna be good enough for you, and won’t open up my heart for others because I’m afraid when you finally realize that we could be together, I’m not there for you, and all the wait I’ve had is completely a waste of time. I don’t know why I keep hoping that you’ll come back for me.
You don’t know what a mess I’d been when you left me for her 4 years ago. I actually thought I was that bad and didn’t have anything to offer for you, so that’s why you left me. So for these past 4 years, I’ve been working on myself really hard, and I thought I was good enough now. Then you hit me again. Some things just don’t change, like you and her, and now I’m starting to doubt myself again. Am I really changed or am I under the illusion that I’ve changed?
People keep telling me that this isn’t my fault. It’s your fault and hers because you two play with others’ feeling without knowing that this has become a very complicated trust issue for me, for believing that someday someone would love me for who I am. I really wanted to blame you two, but somehow, I still blame myself too. I’m just tired with this situation. Like my friend said, this time is slightly different than the past. I have a chance to get out before I get in too deep and fall too deep. I’ve made up my mind. I won’t bother you anymore. I’ll live my life like we are nothing but ancient history. That little spark I told you? I’m gonna put that spark down. This is for my own good. In case you read this—-but you probably never will—and you’re wondering how I’ll be, I’ll tell you this. I’ll be fine. I’m gonna continue my life without you. I did it for the past 4 years and there’s no reason I can’t do it now. Thank you for the precious lesson, though, you two. You both deserve each other.
I’m in a really confusing place in my life right now. Say, in one hand, I need to move on with my life and keep my head high, but on the other hand, my heart is telling me that I should throw all the pride and logic to the window and just do what I wanna do deep inside my heart, and for some reason, I think this is the right thing to do. I mean, I was perfectly fine before you came along, or was I pretending to be fine and all the unresolved feelings that’s still there, all this time, were just being abandoned by me?
I’m not gonna lie. The first time I heard you’re coming back to this country, it was like a big bomb dropped in to my head. I had to see you. No matter what. At first my motivation was to get my revenge, to show you that I’m better off without you and you are a dumb guy because you let me go back then. And a little bit of curiosity of how you look like after all these years.
Then the impossible happened. You asked me out, told me we should catch up over a cup of coffee. I didn’t have to pretend I had to think about it, I knew in my heart I would say yes. And after the first time seeing you in years, you hadn’t changed a bit. Like no time had gone by. And that’s when I began to think, wow, maybe we really can work things out this time. I mean, it’s years ago after the highschool fiasco, and both of us have grown up and you didn’t even talk about the past. Like a clean slate. But you still have that compelling touch to make me smile, effortlessly, and you still have the ability to make me look into your eyes and can’t help but imagine our future. If we could have one. It’s like all the walls—-or fake walls—-I’ve built this entire time has been destroyed over warm conversations and laughter that we had that noon.
That’s why the next time, I convinced myself that it’s okay to ask you out this time. I mean, we’re friends, and that time I need to make sure if this feeling is real, or just a phase passing by. And again, you managed to make me fall into your smile and your jokes. And everything. Then it hit me, that little spark I used to feel when I was with you, it’s still there. I don’t know it’s because we hadn’t seen each other for years and this is just the excitement, or I really haven’t got over you, or it’s because I can’t believe I’ve worked on myself really hard and I thought I’ve changed into a better person, and you said so yourself, but still, we can’t stand a chance?
You should know that I turned down your offer to see you for the last time, it’s like the hardest decision in my life ever. I really wanted to see you and say goodbye, properly, but on the other hand, time won’t allow us to meet. And somehow I followed that clear small voice inside my brain, that I should stay away from you for my own good sake, like everyone else told me to do.
But I had to see you one more time. Or hear your voice one more time. But I can’t really make those things come true, right? And now you’re going back to the place where you belong. And I will never know when can I see you again. But I want to tell you this, I’m sorry for what happened in the past. I really am. I’m sorry too for bugging you for these last days, I just can’t let you go. And I’m sorry too because after all this time, the spark is still there, and I still hope for us to have a chance because maybe, things could really work out this time. I’m sorry for hoping too much. And I hope for the best for you. Even though it means not being with me, it’s okay. You deserve the best in your life, and I will continue my life without you. And if some miracle happen sometime, we’ll see each other again, and maybe, we could have that chance. Goodbye, dear. Have a good life.